Crashing Owwtttt…
I want to scream. Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Lately life has been rearranging itself, I don't know how else to put it. I can't keep faking it till I make it because it just feels so forced and unnatural. Then again I can't keep focusing on what's not working (seems like that’s what I’ve been doing).
I would like to start by introducing myself.
Hi, I’m Jessica and I have a wellness business. I am many things but would love to highlight that I am a Spiritual Herbalist and a Wholistic Health Advocate. I use the word advocate because I feel it encompasses everything I do within that realm; educate, mentor, coach, train. As I mentioned I have a wellness business and while I know that sounds all blooms and roses it sometimes isn’t what it is cracked up to be. Most times, I struggle A LOT with everything but most specifically with running a business that is focused on healing. I know that sounds crazy but mainstream media has co-opted the lane and has sold wellness to be this 1 size fits all thing and this thing that lacks soul//spirit//presence, that lacks YOU. In a “market” where we are ALL seeking to heal, to be held, to be seen, to be loved, to be witnessed and to be accepted, what has happened is this alienation and performance of wellness. I don’t know how to explain it. But I see it in how people tell you to do the thing then ghost you when you do the thing they asked you for. I see it in the spaces I create, spaces that I get inspired to create yet when I arrive in these spaces, when I open the door for others, nobody walks through them. It frustrates me because if this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing then what is?
I find myself fighting depression more than I would like to admit. I actually don’t think I’ve ever admitted that to myself. My life has been an emotional rollercoaster since I decided I wanted to heal and create the life I’ve always envisioned for myself. Being an entrepreneur isn’t for the faint hearted. This journey has been full of blessings, miracles and opportunities unimaginable to unwhimsy, so why is it that as I type this I find myself losing faith, drowning in the overwhelm of being in my late thirties and still struggling. WHY IS IT THAT I AM STILL STRUGGLING?!?! Now I know that I am not the only one but it feels like I am. It feels like I am alone in all of this. I recently moved to a new state and while the move was needed to recalibrate, realign and recharge I think I might’ve isolated myself.
A little back story, back in September ‘25, I took a major leap of faith and moved to Rhode Island ( I know RHODE ISLAND?!? Why???? Gworl I don’t know). It felt like I was finally stepping out of the way and trusting in the divine plan. I was afraid but also excited at all of the things that were happening for me at that time. It felt like I was being repotted. A much needed repot! This move has been everything I’ve dreamed of. Everything about it has been an answered prayer and I am so grateful. (I know it sounds like I’m about to give you a “but” and I am lol) BUT at the same time it has unearthed parts of the simulation I was not expecting. There’s been such a HUGE ask of me to continue to surrender and to allow myself to receive. Receiving HAS NOT been easy. It has meant letting go of control, judgment, shame, embarrassment, pride and softening my ego. It has meant FULLY trusting in the unknown.( You hear people say that all the time) What is the unknown though? And how can I put my trust in something I can’t see, touch, perceive.
Faith! When you continuously pray for your faith to strengthen, you best believe God will put you in situations to answer exactly what you prayed for. That is the funny thing about life, we often aren’t entirely ready to receive what we asked for and oftentimes it is dysregulating to our nervous systems. If we lack presence we’ll miss what's actually conspiring in our favor. If you ask me the fact that life is C O N S P I R I N G in our favor to give us exactly what we prayed for, asked for, desired is pretty awesome. It's only less awesome when consciously we want something and our subconscious is asking for something else. We hear this all the time as well, our beliefs, patterns and programming are directly tied to the amount of divine abundance we receive in this lifetime. Honestly, that's the sucky part because what do you mean I’ve internalized mami yelling at me and my dad abandoning me as a child. At some point we understand this and to some extent forgive them but still as grown adults victimize ourselves to the point of destruction.
I am mentioning all of this because a part of me is still playing victim to a life I am so blessed to be living. It's like why has this victimhood mentality been engraved in me so deeply that even in having everything it still shows up trying to ruin things?!? These are the types of self reflective questions I ask myself because I truly want to understand some of my behaviors. Sometimes this is a good thing, other times I spiral out of control. Can you guess where I am now 🫠… I guess this is all part of the divine plan of my life, of creating success, wealth and stability for myself. Sometimes I get mad at it, other times when I’m a little more grounded, I invite it in and laugh at it because W T F (where's the food?!?! lmao)
This is for the unhinged entrepreneur, I see you, I hear you, your crashouts are V A L I D. I am you and there's really no amount of words to express just how on track you actually are on this journey we call life and this path to true liberation. It is an honor to have been called to awaken in this lifetime and choose to step up to the call. If you ask me this is what life is all about not being a lil BITCH lmao because shit is hard. Keep trekking. You got this and remember to look up at the stars and ask for direction when you feel lost or misguided. The heavens, God, angels and your ancestors that walk with you are always, always, always listening and giving you divine direction + instructions. Be still enough to listen.
Peace and until next time 💫💫
