Writing for the love of writing.
I'm feeling enraged. (I’m always coming to ya with some extreme shyt but bare with me lol)
There are some feelings around being upset that are resurfacing that I am allowing myself to witness. A lot of people I want to cut off. A lot of situations no longer fit. There are A LOT of things shifting right now that I am surrendering to. I don't think I’ve been happy in friend/group dynamics for a while. I understand people go through things but I also understand from my personal experience that people make time for what they want to make time for.
I guess I'm mostly experiencing this resurfacing of upset because I pour so much into the people I love. I’m experiencing upset because they don't do the same for me. There are a lot of people I call “friends” that do not deserve to have that level of access to me. I am in a very tender place right now and I do not want to send this negativity to anyone. I am not digging anyone right now though, not friends, not lovers, NOBODY. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I don’t want to mingle with anybody. I don’t want to be around anybody. I just want to be by myself and figure this out. Nobody has done anything to be per se but I’m just not digging anyone and it's not anyone's fault, it's just me and where I am in life. Life is asking me to listen, to let go and surrender. I'm mostly annoyed. I am annoyed at myself. But why am I annoyed?! What is irritating me? What is bothering me so much that I just feel like burning ALL the bridges?!
I often forget how intensely I experience these planetary alignments. We are in eclipse season. There's a Full moon in Pisces happening. The Sun is in Virgo. The other planets are doing what they do. This axis is pulling me in so many directions that it is driving me crazy. I’ve been meditating and that has been helping. I just want to sit in meditation for days. I’ve been noticing how there was/continues to be so much that is just floating in my energy field, taking up much space in my aura. The more space I create for myself, the better grounded I feel, the more sense of clarity I have. And with more clarity comes more rage because it's like how did you go all this time letting your energy get syphoned, letting your energy leak, letting your energy get taken from you? And my answer to that is, I DO NOT KNOW. I guess I have just been avoiding myself and with that I’ve been allowing my life force/energy to spill everywhere. I’ve been allowing the leaks to happen, the syphoning to continue, the ungroundedness to take a whole of me. I’ve been feeding the parasites, vampires and monitoring spirits, both physically and spiritually and I guess that's why I am so freaking upset.
Clarity brings a sense of easeful rage. What an oxymoron but it's true. I am happy that I can see clearly now but I’m also upset because like damn ya couldn’t tell me about myself?! Not only have I been back in my meditative practice but I also have been cleansing and detoxifying my body. I’ve avoided the detox because the tea tastes nasty lol and just … Now that I think about it, I didn't have enough willpower to go through with it. Is that what has been happening this entire time?! My willpower was being used against me? Anyways… for those that might be curious about the detox tea, I used black walnut hulls, wormwood, cloves and pau d’arco, when I say this blend was strong… It was STRONG. I’m often amazed at how these spiritual misalignments show up in the physical. It’s truly amusing to say the least.
I’ve been in NYC for a few days now. I'm ready to go back home but I’m so grateful that the noise outside has redirected my focus inside. Coming back home is always so eye opening for me. I miss it when I’m gone but am always ready to leave once I am here. My point here is you can miss something that is misaligned for you but that doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to align with it. I’ve been forcing myself to align with a lot of things that have been misaligned for a while now and it's time to finally give it up. Don’t force anything in your life. If something is out of alignment, leave it. Be true and honest with yourself. It's never about anything else but you. Honor where you are in life even if that means the friends, people, places you are in, are no longer aligned. The beautiful thing about all of this is when you continuously do the work, what's for you will always find you. The more elevated friend will always find you and meet you where you are. Places that are more divine find you. You do not have to go searching because Life meets you where you are and provides everything you need.
Be gentle and gracious with yourself yall. Trust yourself enough to honor where you are. Love yourself enough to be honest. We are cyclical beings, things happen in cycles and you might be meeting yourself at the end of one. Release it with ease. Surrender to your own magic and power. E X P R E S S Y O S E L F. Nourish and nurture yourself. Take up all the space you need to be able to meet yourself where you are. This might be your season of listening, of recalling all your energy back. Of sealing up all of the leaks. This might be the season where you finally stop performing and just be. If it is, I’m proud of you, I’m proud of me, it takes a lot to admit what you’ve been doing, where you are and to be open to wanting to change that. To redirect the focus back to yourself. It takes courage to express yourself and to find new ways to love yourself. There is wisdom in it all, lean into it.
